Have you ever been to London on their subway system, which is called the Underground? All over the Underground you will see “Mind the Gap”. This phrase originated there in 1969 and it simply means take caution while crossing the gap between the train and the station platform. This phrase is fabulous and metaphorically has a lot to do with how we operate in our relationships.
This is a typical scenario. A bunch of women whom are all friends get together and begin to talk about their lives, the good the bad and the ugly. The topic of love and sex inevitably comes up. One woman says for my birthday my husband took my out to dinner and bought me this amazing gift from Tiffany’s.
Another women talk’s about how her in-laws gave her this beautiful necklace over the holidays. A Third woman discusses how here sex life could be better, because she is only having sex twice a week. Then a fourth woman says the other day I put on a beautiful and dress and heels and my boyfriend told me if I dressed up like this all the time he would be in heaven.
All of sudden your brain goes into overdrive, and you are thinking I don’t ever get a present from my man on my birthday, he does take me out, but all I get is a card. And who the heck has sex twice a week!? I can barely have it once a week! I can’t believe she is complaining about twice! And when is the last time I received a compliment from my man on how beautiful I look. Heck, my in-laws NEVER get me anything.
Suddenly you are thinking there is something majorly wrong with your relationship. You entered this conversation feeling decent about your relationship, and you leave it in a panic.
I hear and see it all the time; I have even been a victim of this scenario. The other day a client of mine says to me my best friend is having sex with her beau all the time and I feel like there is something wrong in my relationship because we aren’t having it as often. She was like HELP should I talk to my boyfriend about this.
I responded with hold your horses, girl. Is your sex drive the same as your best friends? Is the sex drive of her man the same as your man?
Every couple is different and has different requirements and needs. Just like strengths, not everyone is strong in the same way; if that was the case this world would be pretty mundane. However, somehow when we hear how someone else is doing we are triggered and expect our relationship should be the same. Give yourself a break sista, don’t panic.
There are definitely qualities that my husband has, that my best friend could never tolerate, and vice a versa. So, just like no two people are made the same neither are couples. When you hear other people talk about their relationships keep in mind you are only hearing a little part of the story.
Therefore, when I say mind the love gap, what I mean is focus on what excites you about YOUR man in the present, don’t take stuff from the past or what excites you in comparison to other men, take what excites you about who your man is today in the present (station platform) or what YOU would like your future to be like together (train), and don’t get stuck in the gap of comparing yourself to other woman or couples.
If you get stuck it will erode away at the stable happy connected parts of your relationship. MIND THE LOVE GAP, you don’t want anything falling into the gap because it makes it pretty hard to get it back ( you can get it back, but why take a chance).
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Getting into and sustaining a relationship over a lifetime or even for several years can be tricky. Little characteristics about your partner that you seemed to overlook in the beginning begin to look like huge character flaws, and you find yourself getting irritated quickly, especially over things that seem so small and illogical. These seemingly large character flaws trigger you and make you feel like your partner just isn’t enough for you.
I know there are definitely times where you feel the love with your man, but in those moments of frustration those loving moments seem few and far between, don’t they? Well, I totally get it I have been there, and what I have realized is that when we get triggered due to noticing his character flaws, we begin to overcompensate by making sure we handle his flaws.
For example, I noticed with my husband that he needs time to react to situations. If I ask him a question that catches him off guard he will say “I don’t know”, which really is code for I need time to think about it. I on the other hand I am a go getter, spontaneous, make things happen now type.
I saw his need to take time to think things through as a flaw. So, when we needed to make any type of decision, like finding a new apartment. I would follow up with him on what places he saw, what did he research, and when he would be talking to new brokers. I was all over him. And let’s just say he hated all of the following up. He would get annoyed and we would get into an argument. He would say I have it handled, and I would find myself getting defensive saying I am just saying this because I care. Sound familiar?
I became bossy to overcompensate for what I thought was a flaw in my husband. The problem was it wasn’t a flaw it was a different way of doing things. As much as you believe this is the right way to handle him because your man procrastinates, doesn’t take care of himself, or just doesn’t “get” it. What you are basically doing is creating a parent child relationship instead of a partnership. Now I get it there is a fine line, so let me explain our real role as a partner in a relationship.
When we choose to love someone, we want him to be safe, healthy, and happy and of course we don’t want him to suffer or be in pain. This is what I call protection mode. Protection defined by Dictionary.com is to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, cover or shield from injury or danger. When we love, our animal instincts kick in and we go into protection mode, and here is where we get to the fine line between protection and being bossy.
The military protects us against harm, so that we can have freedom and live our lives the way we choose. The military doesn’t sit there and regulate our every move as a form of protection. Otherwise this wouldn’t be freedom to be who we are, it would be a dictatorship where we have to listen and act per another person’s viewpoint.
Do you see what I mean? Protection and being bossy I know seem like totally separate things, but when it comes to what is motivating us in our relationships, they are related and often mixed up. Protecting your partner means assuming he knows what he is doing, trust, and support his efforts, even when you are not quite sure how he will make something happen (just like we trust the military is doing their job). Taking the bossy approach will only lead to frustration and butting heads.
Here are 3 ways you can go from bossy to creating a TRUE partnership:
1) Ask Yourself – Do you want something more for your partner than they want from themselves? If a yes comes up, you are allowed to mention the benefits of what you think, but then it is not up to you. Plant the seed and let nature take care of the rest.
2) Wait For The Question – If your man is struggling with something then wait for him to ask you your thoughts, don’t just offer them up all the time. Every time you tell him what to do without him asking, you are wearing away at his ability to provide for you.
3) Ask For Help – A man loves it when you ask for his help because it taps into his innate potential to provide for you. When you play I can handle everything all the time, it makes him feel like he is not needed, and of course he is needed. You also need to admit that you need him and ask for his support.
When you follow these tips and set the mood for both of you to be protective but not overbearing and bossy, the appreciation and love will flow even easier because both of you will feel like a person and as a part of the relationship! As usual, I’d love to hear how it works for you in the comments.
Have you ever been broken up with or emotionally hurt by someone? If so then keep reading because that break up could be affecting your relationship right now!
Are you on a mission to not get hurt? Most of us are wired to make sure we are careful about everything. We wear a seat belt when driving, we wear a helmet when riding a bike, and we even constantly wash our hands for fear of getting sick.
There are three parts of the human brain, logical, emotional, and survival. The survival portion of your brain is literally there to keep you safe. When you were five, even though your mom told you a million times not to go near the stove; one fine day you did, touched a hot pan and burnt yourself. This was programmed into your brain and because of that experience you never touched another hot pan again (at least not on purpose). It just takes one bad experience to be coded in our brains forever.
No matter what stage you are currently in your relationship, whether it be dating, girlfriend status, engaged, or married, if you have ever been broken up with, then the hurt, pain, depression that was felt by you has been seared into your brain.
We then spend the rest of our lives avoiding that kind of hurt just like the hot pan.
I found this out the hard way. My husband and I before getting married dated for four years and then suddenly (for me, but it was in the making) he broke up with me. I spent the next 6 months in utter depression, over analyzing, and wishing and wanting him back.
Through my analysis I realized that I had somehow lost myself in my relationship and the reason we had broken up was because I wasn’t ME. I had turned into some demanding, nagging, catastrophe. The independent, intelligent, confident me had been lost.
When we got back together there were a lot of trust issues for me, although I knew he was the one. Would he do it again? How could he leave me? Was he sure this time around? These questions swirled around in my head, even though I had willingly wanted to get back together.
Even after getting married I had vowed that I would never lose myself again. I would remain my independent self to make sure I never get hurt like that again. The only problem was I had learned the wrong lesson; the lesson wasn’t about me finding my independence, it was about opening myself up to allow love in.
The missing link was APPRECIATION. I had failed to recognize that this man married me, not because he was forced to but because he loved me that much.
I was so in my head and not in my heart that I missed all the signs. I was looking at everything he wasn’t doing, triggering the part of my brain that kept me in the same unhappy cycle of building walls around my heart. And I was already married!
So how did I change this cycle? It is simpler than you think. The walls began to dissolve through a shift in perspective.
Here is how you can shift your perspective (like I did):
Feel your heart – remind yourself of what an open heart feels like. Think back when you first fell in love. When the very first “I love you” was exchanged, between you and him. How amazing did that feel? It was like your skin was the only thing keeping you from going everywhere at once. Feel that moment.
Let appreciation flow – once you get into a space of feeling, this part is easier. Think of all the little or big moments he showed you he loved you, in his way. I think of things like him finding an apartment in the exact area of town I wanted to live in, or the hugs he would give me where I felt safe and secure. Remember 3 moments and hold onto them, and the appreciation will begin to flow.
Heart conversation – after you begin to feel the appreciation and it is flowing. Have a conversation with him from the heart. Tell him what is bothering you honestly, from a place of love and understanding. If you even have the slightest feeling of “OMG will he ever do what I want”, then stop.
When you feel appreciation for him, something miraculous happens: the appreciation begins to flow for you. And all of sudden the underlying voice in your head saying, “you are making a mistake”, which is the survival brain, goes away. That harsh voice begins to understand you know what you were doing, and it gets quiet, and you get clear. read more →
Date: Monday, September 12
Time: 7:00 p.m. ET
Location: Your Phone!
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your man, and thought to yourself how the heck are we having this conversation again?
You simply wanted to remind him of something, and all of sudden he gets defensive, you are forced to respond, and then suddenly you find yourself barking at each other. And it seems like this is the 50th time you’ve had this same fight. It doesn’t even matter where it started – it always comes back here.
You get emotional and angry, and a lump, the size of a grapefruit, forms in your throat because you feel totally misunderstood. Then shortly after the argument you find yourself at one end of the room and him on the other in silence, just trying to cope with what just happened.
Suddenly you get extremely angry inside because you feel you didn’t do anything wrong. You were just trying to be loving and give him a push in the right direction, and all of sudden you feel like he is making you out to be the bad guy. And a sinking feeling of him never “getting” you sets in.
Don’t you wish there could be a better way? Where you could say how you feel and express yourself fully to him, have him understand listen and act on what you are requesting him to do.
Well you can!
All it requires are the secrets to communication success. It is easier than you think, and I am going to show you how.
Just spend this one hour with Kavita and you will learn:
How to regulate the tone of what you are trying to communicate so he totally gets what you are saying, and almost instantly volunteers to do what you are asking.
How you can tap into an inner intention that will allow you to naturally say what you are feeling and have him hear it in a positive way.
Discover how you can get clear on what you really want, so that when you express yourself it only solidifies him “getting” you.
How to understand one another on another level that stops having the same argument in it’s tracks and forges a connection you haven’t experienced before.
Clear your calendar! and you will get the full scale education, that we should of received in school on how to communicate effectively with your partner.
You really don’t want to miss this, Kavita, gives out her best stuff on these tele-classes!!! If you can’t make the call register anyway and she will email you the recording.
You are probably wondering what the heck am I talking about. Well today’s article is to see where you stand in your relationship. Most women are in one category or the other, and if you’re not you are good. But if you are in a category then your relationship might be suffering because of it.
Are you on your high horse? I was one of those for the longest time. Simply put I thought I was better than my man but I didn’t know this was the case. I thought that I had my life together, was achieving at work, made more than him (at the time) and was way more spiritual. Because I felt I had myself together for the most part, or at least more than him, I felt it was my role to show him the way.
For example, when he was interviewing for a job I would constantly ask him how it was going, if he had sent them a thank you note and did he say this or that. His eyes would glaze over and he would simply say it went well. Nothing more than that. Then if a week or two had passed and he hadn’t heard back from the company he interviewed with, then I would say you should follow up.
You catch my drift. I was acting as if he had no idea what he was doing. Meanwhile he was taking care of things in his own way, NOT my way, his way. And he wouldn’t tell me about it because any time he tried I would override it with what I thought.
The way he translated all of this, even though for me it was all out of love, was “she thinks I have no idea what I am doing, hence I am not good enough.” Ladies let’s just say you have a lot more power than you think.
I didn’t know this is how he was translating my words. That’s why I kept giving him advice on everything. Somehow I was so high on my horse that I noticed the distance, but it looked like a pot hole instead of the valley I was creating between us.
If you resonate with the high horse syndrome, then you are probably wondering how do I help myself and my relationship…right? I will explain in a moment.
If you don’t resonate with high horse, then you may resonate with pedestal pusher.
I was talking to a friend of mine that was having relationship issues. She was asking me for help with her anger issues. I intuitively knew her anger had something to do with her relationship.
I started asking her how her relationship with her hubby was. She started off by saying he is really amazing, and he supports me, and he does get mad every now and then at me, but that is because he should. I don’t always do things in the right way.
I asked for an example. She explained for example he get’s really upset when my clothes are everywhere at home, and he has every right to be, because I am not organized and I am too lazy to put everything away.
Right off the bat I could tell she was a pedestal pusher. She thought of herself as being less than him. She would push a pedestal under him even though his demands were wearing on her. Deep down she believed having a happy relationship meant he was right, even though every time she turned the other cheek more anger would bubble to the surface.
I even said this to her but because this was common place like fish to water; she couldn’t see what was right in front of her. Even in the middle of her example she felt the need to say he is a really good guy; I don’t want you to think he is a bad person. I reassured her that I thought nothing of the sort, but that her reaction to him was not creating a foundation for a happy loving relationship for her or for him.
The root cause to being a high horse or pedestal pusher is the same; both categories don’t see their relationship as a TEAM. The relationship is seen as a power play, one being bigger or smaller than the other.
In a team every person has different strengths and weaknesses, but in a team all of that balances out because someone’s weaknesses are another person’s strength. That is what a relationship should look like, each person leading in their strengths.
Here is how you naturally become a team player in your relationship:
1. Do you know your strengths? If so then use, communicate, and build on them. If you don’t then take out a pen and paper, and begin to write them down. Marcus Buckingham’s definition of strength is any activity which, when you do it, makes you feel strong.
2. Do you know your partners strengths? Without recognizing them it may be hard to be a team player and appreciate him. If you really can’t think of the strengths then ask him, remembering that things that seem so easy to you may be difficult for him.
3. Create an intention together or for yourself (it works either way), to see one another as capable individuals, that are supporting one another through what each of you do best.
Once you start to figure out each other’s strengths and weaknesses you can start to see the dynamics of you relationship from a whole new perspective and work together to live the life you both want.