What An 8 Year Old Reminded Me About Emotional Maturity
“Sometimes I get so angry at my little brothers that I just go into my room and scream into a pillow. And then I feel better.”
This was a remark from a little girl in a group coaching session I did with 1st and 3rd graders. I loved it!
It’s an age-old method that we all have seen either on TV or heard about, but how often do we actually use it.
When on a spiritual path anger can be seen as taboo, bad or unholy. Even as women we are taught that it is un-lady-like, rude, bitchy and mean to be angry.
Umm does anyone else see anything wrong with this message?
Having anger does not make us less like a lady; it makes us more human. Ever met anyone who never gets angry or hurt; or at least pretends they don’t? Kinda weird right.
I even saw a Monk once who spoke about his anger, its natural and here’s the kicker, its normal.
Whether the situation at hand brings up hurt from the past or pushes against your values in the present you are entitled to feel whatever it is you feel. This does not change. From the day we are born till the day we die. However, the difference between that of an adult and that of a wailing child is emotional maturity.
When children get upset they lose it. Literally lose their cool and act a fool. Yet we let them because they know no better. However we have all also witnessed that not so pleasant sight when an adult throws a temper tantrum. The level of discomfort and ridiculousness skyrocket through the roof because watching anyone age twenty and up act like a two year old, is well, just really creepy.
Emotional maturity does not mean not getting angry. What it means is acknowledging the way you feel and responding rather then RE acting (get it acting again, like this is an old emotion, perhaps from childhood). When we respond we are in control, when we react we are not. Responses and reactions will vary from person to person based on our maturity level, values, past wounds and emotional state. Yet one thing is for certain, to respond is always better. Whether this means addressing a problem on the spot or screaming into your pillow hours later, is up for you to decide. But know this. You do have a choice in the matter.
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5 Comments
Kelsea, I really enjoyed this piece, especially your point that emotional maturity isn’t about not being angry–it’s about how you respond. Lately, I’ve been noticing myself thinking that my personal growth and healing work should mean that the things that bother me now will stop, and I’ve been struck by how that doesn’t have to be true. Things upset me that *should* upset me, and that’s perfectly okay. (Getting sucked into a day-long obsession about it, though, is probably something I could healthfully let go of
.) Thanks for sharing this wisdom!
Thanks for this article Kelsea. I really resonate with what you said about responding and not reacting. I think that the journey from reacting to responding is where you see the emotional maturity. To not feel when you are angry is NOT responding, but just repressing and that stunts emotional growth.
Thanks Jessica! seems like you are having great insights! yes feel the feeling and then release it
Thanks for the comment Ly! thank you for all your support with my writing!
Kelsea this article is great! I can definitely relate to the differences between responding and reacting. Thanks for helping us cope with our anger in a healthy way!