Ever notice how much easier it is to love someone then it is to trust them?
We can easily find ourselves falling head over heels for men (or women) without knowing all that much about them, including how trustworthy they are.
To trust another human is to error. Because we are imperfect beings, trust will almost always be broken and even if it is not, because of our own expectations and perspectives we are apt to feel like it is in certain situations. Deciding to trust someone is a different mentality then deciding if someone is trustworthy. Meaning is He worthy of your trust? (more…) read more →
Are you in love with a man that is dragging his feet to commit to you?
Is your man simply not committing to the things you want most in life, even if you are engaged or married?
Both of these predicaments come from the exact same place within a relationship. Whether you are having trouble getting your man to help you out around the house, come out with you to events you want to go to, or getting him to marry you. He is not committing to you because there is something going on with you. Now, don’t get me wrong here this has nothing to do with you being the one to blame; it is quite the opposite of that. When I say there is something going on with you here is what I am talking about. Follow the sequence below to your answers on how to get him where you want him, COMMITTED (not in that way).
Tell me if you can relate to this:
- Girl meets guy
- Guy courts the girl and shows her what kind of guy he can really be
- Guy calls her and is engaged in getting to know girl
- Guy falls in love with girl and girl falls in love with guy
- Girls sheepishly admits to herself in her head “I think he might be the one”
- Girl begins to really think about what a family would be like with this guy
- Girl commits herself to keeping him and their relationship happy by doing things she never thought, his laundry, cooking, or even running errands for him. This is her way of showing the guy what can of woman she really is
- After a while, girl is ready to get married and communicates that to the guy
- Guy hears it but doesn’t respond in any way that the girl feels reassured
- Guy says “Not sure if I am ready right now, but I know I want to get married”
- Guy starts to feel more and more distant
- Guy and girl have heated conversations about getting married
- Girl waits until the guy is ready, saying to herself “I know he loves me, and I am sure it will happen sooner than I expect.” Or “Maybe he was just saying I am not ready right now to throw her off course, because he is really going to propose soon.”
- Girl starts to feel insecure because what she wants is not happening soon enough, she starts to ask “What is wrong with me” “I can’t lose him”
- Family and friends are asking “When are you getting married?”
- Girl sees her friends getting married and moving forward with their lives, making her feel even worse about her relationship
I have overly simplified the sequence of events above but you get it, this is something I think every woman has gone through at one point or another (or some part of it), and if you haven’t you need to start putting your heart on the line more.
The fatal flaws occur in 2 places above, can you guess which numbers they are?
The flaws are in number 7 and 13.
I asked my husband the other day made him fall back in love with me? He answered “When you got clear on what makes you happy and passionate in your own life and started asking for it.”
So, in number 7 is the place we begin to lose ourselves in all of the propaganda of what kind of woman we think we should be to have a guy marry us, or we pour the love on keeping very little for ourselves, and all of sudden Ms. Independent becomes Ms. I Can’t Lose Him.
Then what seals the faith of the relationship is 13. All I have to say is you might be right, but are you happy feeling and thinking this all the time? Choose happiness NOT comfort is my philosophy. Many times the path to happiness in relationships and for yourself takes a twisty road. Choose that you will find it and it will get you to where you want to be faster, than what you feel is the straight route.
Just a side note. I have to make everything slightly multi-purpose. The strategies I cover below may seem like it only applies to a girl trying to get her man to commit to her, but it is also applicable to getting your hubby or man to do the most important tasks you wish you would do, so try it out, give it a whirl.
Here are my top 3 strategies you can get your man to commit or get clear on what you need now:
Figure Out The MUST HAVES:
- Sit down right now with a pen and paper. Clear HIM from your mind.
- Then ask yourself what are the specific qualities you absolutely must have in your relationship to be happy? (For some it is getting along with my family, or being a certain ethnicity, or being interested in a specific topic, having children.)
- You cannot waiver if you know later on down the road this is going to be a big fat issue.
- Start writing. Remember keep thinking about your ideal family life. Now keep writing until you get to about 10 things, if you can’t get to 10 that is fine, less is better anyhow.
- Then circle the top 1 or 2 items on your list you absolutely cannot live without, and then see if it matches up to the relationship you are in.
- Just to note, things do change as life moves forward, and if you come up with a no it doesn’t match up to my relationship what I want you to do next is have a conversation with him.
- You come to this conversation with openness and love in your heart, and knowing that this is serious and coming from a confident place of knowing what you want, because you wrote it down.
- Then gage how receptive he is to what you are asking. Sometimes he is open and sometimes he is not, calibrate it for yourself and then come away with more clarity of where you stand with him and your future.
Listen to what he is saying – This one is simple. If he is saying “I am not ready right now, but I know I want to get married,” or “He isn’t saying anything when you ask about the topic, meaning you are getting no straight answer you are just getting a lot of excuses,” then guess what lady, he is not ready! Now you need to really assess how much longer are you willing to wait? This comes with a warning because if you are waiting and you are Ms. I Don’t Want To Lose Him, your chances of getting him to commit are slim. If you are waiting and rocking Ms. Independent your chances are much higher!
Assess your level of happiness – This is a moment of truth for you, and be careful here because many times we are so in love we cannot see the truth. Buct truthfully and honestly ask yourself or have your best friend who you feel safe with ask you “Are you happy?” See what comes up. It can be various thoughts that pop into your mind, but I want you to tune into the very first thought because that is your intuition talking. The reason I say ask a friend to ask you, because sometimes if you just start talking, your own words hit your ears and trigger realizations within you. Make sure you have your friend assess if you are being true to yourself or if you are BSing yourself. read more →
Have you ever been walking down the street or on the subway and you see someone who sparks your interest? Wishing you had the courage to say something or a way to break the ice before the moment slips by and your chance is lost! Well I am pretty sure a majority of you would say ‘Yes’ to this question, as I have had many of these occurrences myself. There is definitely a love/hate relationship about dating in the city. Sometimes it can be exciting to go on a first date, other times it can seem like a lot of work to meet new people, and then there is the unfortunate experience of a really bad blind date.
Luckily for us single ones, there is a hot new option over the typical online dating sites with painfully long profiles and hours of searching for a normal looking person who you hope put up a current picture of themselves. It’s called Cheek’d and it’s a fun, unique twist on how to maneuver through the dating scene. These little black cards with witty one-liners are a great way to get someone’s attention without all of the pressure. In addition to the one liner each card has ‘find me at: www.cheekd.com’ and a unique code that allows access to view your profile. Don’t worry the profile only gives a glimpse of who you are and does not take a long time to fill out. There are about six questions, such as ’your most played iPod song’ and the responses cannot be longer than what fits on a business card. Once the person you chose to give a card to checks out your profile they can send you a message and the communication begins. Depending on the interaction you can decide if you want to take it a step further and meet in person. (Founder Lori Cheek pictured below)
Cheek’d brings the social aspect back into dating and moves it from your computer or the night bar scene to your everyday life. When you are standing in line waiting for a coffee or walking your dog in the park don’t let another chance pass you by. I have had a lot of fun feeling like at any moment I may notice someone I would like to give one of my cards to and I am excited to see who the first person will be! My roommate loved the idea so much she decided to get Cheek’d cards of her own. So don’t let yourself be the last to get in on the Cheek’d scene! read more →
You are probably wondering what the heck am I talking about. Well today’s article is to see where you stand in your relationship. Most women are in one category or the other, and if you’re not you are good. But if you are in a category then your relationship might be suffering because of it.
Are you on your high horse? I was one of those for the longest time. Simply put I thought I was better than my man but I didn’t know this was the case. I thought that I had my life together, was achieving at work, made more than him (at the time) and was way more spiritual. Because I felt I had myself together for the most part, or at least more than him, I felt it was my role to show him the way.
For example, when he was interviewing for a job I would constantly ask him how it was going, if he had sent them a thank you note and did he say this or that. His eyes would glaze over and he would simply say it went well. Nothing more than that. Then if a week or two had passed and he hadn’t heard back from the company he interviewed with, then I would say you should follow up.
You catch my drift. I was acting as if he had no idea what he was doing. Meanwhile he was taking care of things in his own way, NOT my way, his way. And he wouldn’t tell me about it because any time he tried I would override it with what I thought.
The way he translated all of this, even though for me it was all out of love, was “she thinks I have no idea what I am doing, hence I am not good enough.” Ladies let’s just say you have a lot more power than you think.
I didn’t know this is how he was translating my words. That’s why I kept giving him advice on everything. Somehow I was so high on my horse that I noticed the distance, but it looked like a pot hole instead of the valley I was creating between us.
If you resonate with the high horse syndrome, then you are probably wondering how do I help myself and my relationship…right? I will explain in a moment.
If you don’t resonate with high horse, then you may resonate with pedestal pusher.
I was talking to a friend of mine that was having relationship issues. She was asking me for help with her anger issues. I intuitively knew her anger had something to do with her relationship.
I started asking her how her relationship with her hubby was. She started off by saying he is really amazing, and he supports me, and he does get mad every now and then at me, but that is because he should. I don’t always do things in the right way.
I asked for an example. She explained for example he get’s really upset when my clothes are everywhere at home, and he has every right to be, because I am not organized and I am too lazy to put everything away.
Right off the bat I could tell she was a pedestal pusher. She thought of herself as being less than him. She would push a pedestal under him even though his demands were wearing on her. Deep down she believed having a happy relationship meant he was right, even though every time she turned the other cheek more anger would bubble to the surface.
I even said this to her but because this was common place like fish to water; she couldn’t see what was right in front of her. Even in the middle of her example she felt the need to say he is a really good guy; I don’t want you to think he is a bad person. I reassured her that I thought nothing of the sort, but that her reaction to him was not creating a foundation for a happy loving relationship for her or for him.
The root cause to being a high horse or pedestal pusher is the same; both categories don’t see their relationship as a TEAM. The relationship is seen as a power play, one being bigger or smaller than the other.
In a team every person has different strengths and weaknesses, but in a team all of that balances out because someone’s weaknesses are another person’s strength. That is what a relationship should look like, each person leading in their strengths.
Here is how you naturally become a team player in your relationship:
1. Do you know your strengths? If so then use, communicate, and build on them. If you don’t then take out a pen and paper, and begin to write them down. Marcus Buckingham’s definition of strength is any activity which, when you do it, makes you feel strong.
2. Do you know your partners strengths? Without recognizing them it may be hard to be a team player and appreciate him. If you really can’t think of the strengths then ask him, remembering that things that seem so easy to you may be difficult for him.
3. Create an intention together or for yourself (it works either way), to see one another as capable individuals, that are supporting one another through what each of you do best.
Once you start to figure out each other’s strengths and weaknesses you can start to see the dynamics of you relationship from a whole new perspective and work together to live the life you both want.
If you like this, then you’ll love this:
Editors Note: One of my biggest fears of being in a long term relationship for many people is the loss of that new and exciting feeling you have at the beginning of a relationship. We at Bella Life feel that you can create whatever you choose and that goes for your relationships too so read below to get your Quick Fix to turn your relationship from zero to OMG. ~ Nitika~
I spend a wonderful part of my business working with women who are engaged to be married, and interestingly enough most of the women I work with are not super happy in their relationships. Being in a mediocre relationship can be a huge contributor to overeating because when something in your life is out of balance, your eating can get out of balance.
Most women believe that their relationship will magically improve when they lose weight so they put all of their energy towards dieting, but the reality is that if your relationship is just “ho-hum”, causing general apathy, distance and sometimes depression, you are never going to lose weight. So it is incredibly important to make spicing up your relationship a PRIORITY to achieve successful, lasting weight loss. To start things off with a bang this February, I am going to give you the scenario for a super steamy Valentine’s Day date, even if things usually feel flat. The goal is to go from feeling like an old married couple, to like two teenagers, madly in love.
So here’s what you need to do…
If you live with your boyfriend or hubby, when you go on dates (if you go on dates at all) you probably get ready together then go out. To spice things up, I want you to MEET your man at your destination, not go WITH him.
Get dressed when your man isn’t home, either before he gets home from work, or create sometime by suggesting he grab a drink with his buddies. If he sees the process of going from “Everyday Jane” to “Lady of the Night” the transformation isn’t nearly as shocking. And honestly, him watching you put on your pantie hose is a total buzz kill.
Tell him you are going to meet him at the restaurant or bar, or whatever your destination. Make sure he doesn’t see you all dolled-up before your date starts. Show up to your destination a few minutes behind your man and before you walk into the room, think about your sexiest attribute, stand up straight and strut into the room like you’re the hottest thing since sliced bread. Lock eyes with your man and calmly walk over, and give him the kind of kiss you gave him on your fifth date (comfortable but passionate-non of this grandma pecking crap).
I guarantee that your man is going to FLIP and more importantly YOU are going to feel a total rush of confidence, beauty and power. Hone that power all night long and find other ways to get that same thrill in the weeks to come.